My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

I have had a reoccurring dream that started when I was 5. I think the dream finished it’s cycle a few months ago and that it is unlikely to show up again. I usually have the dream at least once a year, but each time it has a haunting familiarity like I have dreamed about it each night for centuries over many life times.

In the dream I am about 5 and in my step-father’s parents house. The house is a large one-story ranch style house with two main living areas (bedrooms and bathrooms) that are on either side of a central living room and kitchen. In this dream I am in the back part of the house, which I am afraid of. I consider it dark, but really it has just as many windows as the other set of bedrooms.

I am trying to come out of the back area and into the kitchen for dinner. I can hear everyone at the table, my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and step-father, all sitting just a few feet away from me, on the other side of the wall. I am on the ground, trying to crawl around the wall to the table, but I cannot move or make a sound.

I am stuck, belly to the floor, arms reaching out in front of me. I am trying to call out to them – trying to scream, to move, to do anything. My mouth is stuck wide open and I can see shear terror in my eyes. But I just cannot move. I am just stuck there, listening to them all eating and enjoying each other’s company while I am in agony, terrified and stuck in the back of the house.

I’m Not OK. by =MEGAN-Yrrbby on deviantART

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Now that I have started to recover my memories I can recall being abused in the back part of the house. On the more figurative side I interpret this dream to mean that I felt silenced and stuck in my circumstances. I felt like I had no voice and that I would never escape the oppression that was my everyday life.

However, I now know differently. I know that if I keep moving forward, I am not oppressed and that I will reach my goals.

1. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
2. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. The Black Doctors Bag*****
5. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****

Trigger Scale: (0/5)

I recently did a lot of research on writing because I wanted to make sure I am writing clearly and effectively, since I started this blog. I rediscovered free-writing as a technique, and have found it useful in many different ways. It is a great way to get feelings, emotions, thoughts and ideas out of your head. For me it is a good technique for journaling, or writing about recently recovered memories.

Here is a quick rundown of the technique I use:

1. Write the topic at the top of the page -OR- keep an open mind and have no specific topic
2. Time your writing for 5 to 20 minutes and do not stop writing!
3. Form no opinions about what you write, and remember it is alright to get off subject
4. Do not criticize, cut, scratch out, or revise your work in any way…just keep writing
5. Write without worrying about:

• Proper structure or incomplete sentences
• Spelling
• Punctuation, grammar or typos

Tips on describing from memory:
Take the topic you are going to write about and picture it in your mind. Imagine that you are close enough to touch the topic. What do you feel as you are imagining the object/person/topic you are going to describe? Use these thoughts to generate a free-writing. Write every detail about the topic that you can remember.

When your time is up, read what you have written out loud, deleting anything obsolete as you go along, such as “I can’t think of what to write.” Note any patterns that emerge. Circle any surprises, draw arrows connecting ideas or themes: identify those passages, ideas, or phrases that you like.

Tips & Tricks:

• A good way to avoid wanting to edit free-writing is to turn off your computer screen so that you cannot see the words that are being typed
• Use a timer with an alarm and turn it so you cannot see it
• Create a relaxing environment, such as listening to music to help your mind relax
• If you are having trouble starting, write what you are feeling directly through your senses. Hot or cold? Hungry or tired? etc.
• Try to write something – anything – every day
• Remember, thinking is not required!

Sources:

• Freewrite on WikiHow
• Freewrite from a teaching perspective

1. Safety First Checklist Part 2*
2. Breathing Exercises, Meditation and Visualization for PTSD
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. How I Got Out of My Head
5. Suicide/Harmful Behavior Checklist Part 1**