My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (2/5)

Tonight I feel so small and alone, with tears always about to come. I have no idea what is wrong, except that I am lost and god has forsaken me. I prayed so hard for his/her guidance, support, and help when I was younger and being abused daily, but never received any answer or reprieve.

I have to believe that god doesn’t exist or has left me alone, and I can only ask myself why? What did I do to be so ignored? Why have I seen and felt so much pain? Why has god forsaken me?

I feel so empty, ignored and invisible. I would do anything to believe that I have a place in this world, but I feel no connection. No connection to this earth, the people here, or anything in it. I feel isolated, as if I am floating in a blackness, separated from everyone else. So much pain in me that I feel everyone should be able to see it…yet there is no one and nothing…

Not even god is here with me anymore…any maybe he never was.

I am broken, and maybe cannot be fixed. I may be lost forever…

What helped me tonight (or allowed me to feel/ponder deeper):

• I took a short walk to a nearby park, which was dark and abandoned at 1:00 a.m. There were about 30 bunnies surrounding me, and I just laid in the middle of the grassy field (and bunnies!), starring at the sky, asking god for a sign, for anything…
• Tonight I am really connecting to these songs: Sia – Breathe Me and The Veronicas – Untouched (because I feel untouched by Love):

• I felt I needed a smell to calm me, and my normal incense, Nag Champa was just was too familiar to do the trick. I know I shouldn’t have, but my roommate had a party and had a few bouquets of flowers so I stole one of the wilting roses. I have been holding it under my nose and it has helped to remind me of nature, and the beauty it can contain…
• I believe the above ideas were an organic thought/feeling continuation of a post I read on another blog, Crackers & Juiceboxes, about grounding.

No related posts.

Trigger Scale: (5/5!)

Learn what a “session splash” is.

discussed blog being a place to express myself and about my block writing my about me page. this blog is my first attempt to share my story, in any form, so getting started is hard. it makes me feel very exposed, but i really want to be able to get things out of me, or at least start and see how it feels

losing relationship with ex-boyfriend is reason i lost faith and stopped believing in karma. because we shared a special connection which I felt i deserved and is the point of this life, so i felt that the whole system must not work. i needed him and he is not there for me because he is not there for himself

body image – felt better about “out of skin” feeling because i lost three pounds, slightly increased my regimen and gained muscle. increased strength routine to 3x week instead of waiting a few weeks to increase. was obsessing all daily before, now only once a day, and briefly

talked about structuring sessions – 5 minutes for journaling about specific trauma. originally discussed 20, but when i gave this some thought, and how i have recently been meeting goals, it made more sense to start small. i also feel i bounce around too much in session, and wanted her to help me focus more. i talked about staying with one theme, idea or issue until i feel it is resolved, and then moving on to another unless there was something really bothering me or an emergency of mental health sorts. we also decided to spend 10 minutes discussing new items after journaling and then moving on to our main focus, to help stay focused

NOTE: on writing this it occurred to me that my therapist is an art therapist, which i have utilized less and less. I am not sure why this is. I think it is because I really enjoy art, which is why I thought art therapy would be right up my alley. And i do enjoy it, and have had success almost every time we have used it in session, of course to varying degrees. I think i just do not want to associate art with these ugly topics. I should discuss this with her

re-discused topic from last week: friends father that died who i have vague memories of abusing me, but knew my friend was abused by him. There family was very odd. i have a song associated with this memory, that i really, really despise. I really cannot explain it, but it makes my skin literally crawl, like the first video in my creepy ads post. I just cant bear to listen to it, but it is associated with that memory. I wonder if that song was popular then, and maybe I heard it when I was being abused? just writing this I get a memory of it on the radio, the door open, a man over me holding my neck, moving up and down, i am looking at the slightly open door, just looking, looking….

That fucker was a coke addict, worked on the hill at a chemical plant and was just a world class asshole. I am having a panic attack and have to stop writing on the subject…moving on.

NOTE: (written later) to find the link for the song above was a real struggle. I find that I kept distracting myself doing other little tasks. I also had many different physical reactions, such as shortness of breath, rubbing my hands together, tense muscles, feeling nauseated, tightness in chest, shaking hands, etc. But I think it is important to mention that I found a few facts:

1. The song is called “Toy Soldiers” and is stated to be about drug addiction, and how it controls your life, like children control their toys. How ironic that this man was a coke fiend…
2. This memory feels like I was about 10 and like I mentioned, I was curious when the song was released. It was in 1989, when I would have been 9. This man interacted in my life between the ages of 8 and 12
3. My memory feels validated, which is overwhelming, and causing a small panic attack so I am done for this post

1. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**
3. Session Splash – June 6, 2009**
4. Movie about Abuse – 8mm*
5. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*