My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

I have had a reoccurring dream that started when I was 5. I think the dream finished it’s cycle a few months ago and that it is unlikely to show up again. I usually have the dream at least once a year, but each time it has a haunting familiarity like I have dreamed about it each night for centuries over many life times.

In the dream I am about 5 and in my step-father’s parents house. The house is a large one-story ranch style house with two main living areas (bedrooms and bathrooms) that are on either side of a central living room and kitchen. In this dream I am in the back part of the house, which I am afraid of. I consider it dark, but really it has just as many windows as the other set of bedrooms.

I am trying to come out of the back area and into the kitchen for dinner. I can hear everyone at the table, my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and step-father, all sitting just a few feet away from me, on the other side of the wall. I am on the ground, trying to crawl around the wall to the table, but I cannot move or make a sound.

I am stuck, belly to the floor, arms reaching out in front of me. I am trying to call out to them – trying to scream, to move, to do anything. My mouth is stuck wide open and I can see shear terror in my eyes. But I just cannot move. I am just stuck there, listening to them all eating and enjoying each other’s company while I am in agony, terrified and stuck in the back of the house.

I’m Not OK. by =MEGAN-Yrrbby on deviantART

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Now that I have started to recover my memories I can recall being abused in the back part of the house. On the more figurative side I interpret this dream to mean that I felt silenced and stuck in my circumstances. I felt like I had no voice and that I would never escape the oppression that was my everyday life.

However, I now know differently. I know that if I keep moving forward, I am not oppressed and that I will reach my goals.

1. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
2. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. The Black Doctors Bag*****
5. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****

Trigger Warning: (2/5)

I remembered another point of view on my post from yesterday, “Why I’m Afraid of Spiders Part 1” (Trigger Warning). I think my brother is also deathly afraid of tarantula’s. He is fine with all other spiders, as far as I can tell, but tarantula’s have the same effect on him as they do me. My theory is that we share this abuse story/history, but he may have been too young to actually hold a memory of it at all (he would have been 1-2), except maybe in his body.

He recently joined the military, and did many months of drills outdoors in the desert. He told me about one of his training days where he was learning to use one of the large, stationary machine guns (probably something similar to a Browning M2 .50 caliber), so you can imagine a 5′ 11” guy, built like a tank, operating a very large weapon, rounds spewing, and he sees an innocent tarantula walk by him…he told me that he jumped straight onto on of his buddies backs and starting screaming like a bitch! He also shot it until it stopped moving…

He will recount stories like this, but ask him if he remembers his childhood, if he remembers anything ‘odd’ or ‘out of place’ and he will clam up so fast, you will think he was someone else. This has always been true, and still is today even though he is now 24. I think this is part of his process, but wanted to share another aspect on the story.

1. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
2. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
3. I Have Been Abused – Please Believe Me!***
4. The Black Doctors Bag*****
5. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 2*****