My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

I have had a reoccurring dream that started when I was 5. I think the dream finished it’s cycle a few months ago and that it is unlikely to show up again. I usually have the dream at least once a year, but each time it has a haunting familiarity like I have dreamed about it each night for centuries over many life times.

In the dream I am about 5 and in my step-father’s parents house. The house is a large one-story ranch style house with two main living areas (bedrooms and bathrooms) that are on either side of a central living room and kitchen. In this dream I am in the back part of the house, which I am afraid of. I consider it dark, but really it has just as many windows as the other set of bedrooms.

I am trying to come out of the back area and into the kitchen for dinner. I can hear everyone at the table, my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and step-father, all sitting just a few feet away from me, on the other side of the wall. I am on the ground, trying to crawl around the wall to the table, but I cannot move or make a sound.

I am stuck, belly to the floor, arms reaching out in front of me. I am trying to call out to them – trying to scream, to move, to do anything. My mouth is stuck wide open and I can see shear terror in my eyes. But I just cannot move. I am just stuck there, listening to them all eating and enjoying each other’s company while I am in agony, terrified and stuck in the back of the house.

I’m Not OK. by =MEGAN-Yrrbby on deviantART

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Now that I have started to recover my memories I can recall being abused in the back part of the house. On the more figurative side I interpret this dream to mean that I felt silenced and stuck in my circumstances. I felt like I had no voice and that I would never escape the oppression that was my everyday life.

However, I now know differently. I know that if I keep moving forward, I am not oppressed and that I will reach my goals.

1. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
2. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. The Black Doctors Bag*****
5. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

In the post “Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*” I mention two letters that I wanted to write to a former client. I wrote the first of these two in the post “Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 1**”. Please read those posts for background if you would like.

Anger Management by ~protogeny on deviantART

Since writing the angry letter in Part 1 I have almost completely forgotten about this client. I have not yet replaced the work I lost, but I am 75% of the way there, which helps me to let go. I also do not feel angry at him anymore, and have let go of all the negative emotions associated with the situation. For these reasons I did not feel it was necessary to write a second letter at all. And no surprise, but he never contacted me to come back to work at the end of last month.

The reason I say I have almost completely forgotten about him is because while I have let go of the negative feelings, I do not want to forget the lessons that I learned from this experience. I feel I learned, or starting working on ways:

• To trust my gut instinct when someone feels “off” to me
• To respect myself enough to set and honor my own boundaries
• To find ways to express my anger in an effort to let it go
• To healthfully express my anger to those I am angry with directly, but with respect
• I can not change, or help change, those who do not want to change themselves

I have used this experience to further my confrontation skills, such as with my roommates. It is still a nerve racking process for me, with many panic attacks along the journey, but I am getting there and not giving up.

1. Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 1**
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*
3. 10 Things I Like About Me – Project Positivity
4. My Monster Is Alive*
5. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****