My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (2/5)

I recently purchased the book Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook by Glenn Schiraldi because of my last couple therapy sessions (read about 05/26/09 and 05/21/09 here). So far I have read the first five chapters and am finding it a very valuable resource.

Inspired by this book I created the following timeline of how my post traumatic stress disorder developed. At least to the best of my recollection. The sections, “Associated Features” “Costs” and “Stages” bullet points are all copyright of the book. I have added some of my own notes to these to further describe my personal experience. This timeline demonstrates how my PTSD has developed over my lifetime, illustrating the associated features, personal costs, and stages at various ages.

I am going to bring this to my next therapy session to discuss it with my therapist.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Timeline

Ages 2 to 7

Victimized severely and repeatedly, including emotional, physical, sexual, animal and ritualized abuse.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination (couldn’t save others)
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (anxiety and hostility)
• over-compensations (tried to be a perfect child in all situations)

Stage: pre-PTSD

Ages 8 to 11

Have one memory of severe combined sexual, physical, emotional abuse and one physical by father during this time period. I have a suspicion that other memories will surface.

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (weight)
• impulsive behaviors (angry outbursts – seemed out of my control)
• somatic complaints (sleep disturbances)
• over-compensations (tried to do very well in school)
• repetition compulsion (play)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• low self esteem
• guilt (unknown cause)
• dissociative disorder
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships (in & out)
• sexual acting out
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/intrusions

Ages 12 to 15

I have many holes in memory during this time period. It is disturbing to me that I remember time at school, with friends and at home when step-mom is home, but no other times at home. I cannot remember anything associated with my father during this period as well. I have a suspicion of being re-victimized. (I think so – it makes me think of choking).

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (weight)
• impulsive behaviors (destructive)
• somatic complaints (sleep and stomach problems)
• over-compensations (tried to do very well in school, many extracurricular activities)
• repetition compulsion – ?
• self mutilation – ?
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicide attempt
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (in & out)
• eating disorders (started unhealthy eating)
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry (asked to see therapist)/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 16 to 17

Started to act out severely to gain control and independence. Stopped listening to parents and got into trouble at school at times.

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (sex, weight, alcohol)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints (continued)
• over-compensations (continued)
• repetition compulsion (through ‘romantic’ relationships)
• alexithymia (beginning/in & out)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (in & out)
• sexual acting out
• eating disorders (very unhealthy relationship with food/dieting/exercise)
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 18 to 21

More acting out, had an abortion (slightly forced – for another day and post), heavy drug use and lots of parties. I also overworked and was involved in numerous abusive relationships.

Associated Features:

• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (sex, weight, drugs, parties)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints
• over-compensations (over-working, over-schooling)
• repetition compulsion
• self mutilation
• alexithymia (continued)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• sexual dysfunction and sexual acting out
• eating disorders
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 22 to 25

Went through two back surgeries and many treatments, physical therapy and was prescribed piles of medications for: pain, anxiety, inflammation, stomach trouble, nausea, etc. Also had multiple bad therapists and tried many medications for mental issues that did not help (through Social Service care). Was on disability or unemployed, or trying to work but physically unable to.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (drugs)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints (off the charts)
• over-compensations (physical therapy at first)
• repetition compulsion
• self mutilation
• alexithymia (complete)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (heavy)
• sexual dysfunction and sexual acting out
• unemployment
• eating disorders
• medical illness
• homelessness
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial (start of in & out)/intrusions/working through (beginning)

Ages 26 to 29

Finally have real therapy. I found two good therapists back to back that have helped me a lot. Dealt with the remnants of a failed relationship (on/off relationship) and I am learning how to build healthy relationships that respect my boundaries.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (drug)
• impulsive behaviors (shopping, relationships – now out)
• somatic complaints
• over-compensations – ?
• self mutilation (picking)
• alexithymia (going out)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts and plans
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation
• sexual dysfunction or sexual acting out
• unemployment
• eating disorders
• loss of religious faith
• difficulty handling stress

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial (still in & out – almost out)/intrusions/working through (middle)

Related Resources:

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook

1. Diagnosing DID/PTSD and Body Sensations*
2. Ritual Abuse Flashback 1*****
3. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
4. Face the Issue – Great videos*****
5. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****

Trigger Warning: (2/5)

I remembered another point of view on my post from yesterday, “Why I’m Afraid of Spiders Part 1” (Trigger Warning). I think my brother is also deathly afraid of tarantula’s. He is fine with all other spiders, as far as I can tell, but tarantula’s have the same effect on him as they do me. My theory is that we share this abuse story/history, but he may have been too young to actually hold a memory of it at all (he would have been 1-2), except maybe in his body.

He recently joined the military, and did many months of drills outdoors in the desert. He told me about one of his training days where he was learning to use one of the large, stationary machine guns (probably something similar to a Browning M2 .50 caliber), so you can imagine a 5′ 11” guy, built like a tank, operating a very large weapon, rounds spewing, and he sees an innocent tarantula walk by him…he told me that he jumped straight onto on of his buddies backs and starting screaming like a bitch! He also shot it until it stopped moving…

He will recount stories like this, but ask him if he remembers his childhood, if he remembers anything ‘odd’ or ‘out of place’ and he will clam up so fast, you will think he was someone else. This has always been true, and still is today even though he is now 24. I think this is part of his process, but wanted to share another aspect on the story.

1. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
2. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
3. I Have Been Abused – Please Believe Me!***
4. The Black Doctors Bag*****
5. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 2*****