My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (2/5)

I recently purchased the book Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook by Glenn Schiraldi because of my last couple therapy sessions (read about 05/26/09 and 05/21/09 here). So far I have read the first five chapters and am finding it a very valuable resource.

Inspired by this book I created the following timeline of how my post traumatic stress disorder developed. At least to the best of my recollection. The sections, “Associated Features” “Costs” and “Stages” bullet points are all copyright of the book. I have added some of my own notes to these to further describe my personal experience. This timeline demonstrates how my PTSD has developed over my lifetime, illustrating the associated features, personal costs, and stages at various ages.

I am going to bring this to my next therapy session to discuss it with my therapist.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Timeline

Ages 2 to 7

Victimized severely and repeatedly, including emotional, physical, sexual, animal and ritualized abuse.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination (couldn’t save others)
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (anxiety and hostility)
• over-compensations (tried to be a perfect child in all situations)

Stage: pre-PTSD

Ages 8 to 11

Have one memory of severe combined sexual, physical, emotional abuse and one physical by father during this time period. I have a suspicion that other memories will surface.

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (weight)
• impulsive behaviors (angry outbursts – seemed out of my control)
• somatic complaints (sleep disturbances)
• over-compensations (tried to do very well in school)
• repetition compulsion (play)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• low self esteem
• guilt (unknown cause)
• dissociative disorder
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships (in & out)
• sexual acting out
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/intrusions

Ages 12 to 15

I have many holes in memory during this time period. It is disturbing to me that I remember time at school, with friends and at home when step-mom is home, but no other times at home. I cannot remember anything associated with my father during this period as well. I have a suspicion of being re-victimized. (I think so – it makes me think of choking).

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (weight)
• impulsive behaviors (destructive)
• somatic complaints (sleep and stomach problems)
• over-compensations (tried to do very well in school, many extracurricular activities)
• repetition compulsion – ?
• self mutilation – ?
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicide attempt
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (in & out)
• eating disorders (started unhealthy eating)
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry (asked to see therapist)/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 16 to 17

Started to act out severely to gain control and independence. Stopped listening to parents and got into trouble at school at times.

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (sex, weight, alcohol)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints (continued)
• over-compensations (continued)
• repetition compulsion (through ‘romantic’ relationships)
• alexithymia (beginning/in & out)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (in & out)
• sexual acting out
• eating disorders (very unhealthy relationship with food/dieting/exercise)
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 18 to 21

More acting out, had an abortion (slightly forced – for another day and post), heavy drug use and lots of parties. I also overworked and was involved in numerous abusive relationships.

Associated Features:

• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (sex, weight, drugs, parties)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints
• over-compensations (over-working, over-schooling)
• repetition compulsion
• self mutilation
• alexithymia (continued)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• sexual dysfunction and sexual acting out
• eating disorders
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 22 to 25

Went through two back surgeries and many treatments, physical therapy and was prescribed piles of medications for: pain, anxiety, inflammation, stomach trouble, nausea, etc. Also had multiple bad therapists and tried many medications for mental issues that did not help (through Social Service care). Was on disability or unemployed, or trying to work but physically unable to.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (drugs)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints (off the charts)
• over-compensations (physical therapy at first)
• repetition compulsion
• self mutilation
• alexithymia (complete)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (heavy)
• sexual dysfunction and sexual acting out
• unemployment
• eating disorders
• medical illness
• homelessness
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial (start of in & out)/intrusions/working through (beginning)

Ages 26 to 29

Finally have real therapy. I found two good therapists back to back that have helped me a lot. Dealt with the remnants of a failed relationship (on/off relationship) and I am learning how to build healthy relationships that respect my boundaries.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (drug)
• impulsive behaviors (shopping, relationships – now out)
• somatic complaints
• over-compensations – ?
• self mutilation (picking)
• alexithymia (going out)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts and plans
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation
• sexual dysfunction or sexual acting out
• unemployment
• eating disorders
• loss of religious faith
• difficulty handling stress

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial (still in & out – almost out)/intrusions/working through (middle)

Related Resources:

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook

1. Diagnosing DID/PTSD and Body Sensations*
2. Ritual Abuse Flashback 1*****
3. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
4. Face the Issue – Great videos*****
5. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****

Trigger Warning: (2/5)

Learn what a “session splash” is.

this will be a long one again, because i did another double session. i will most likely do double’s going forward for as long as i can afford it (two hour sessions). it seems that i do not get into the real meat of the matter until i have had some time to open up, gather my words and my nerve.

we talked about diagnosis, for a few different reasons. i am concerned because my therapist feels that i am not bipolar because i have operated on this assumption for the last 5-10 years. i have always been about 80% sure of the diagnosis, which is a big percentage of uncertainty for me. meaning it has always weighed heavily on my mind that maybe bipolar didn’t quite fit me, but it felt close enough.

some reasons i feel that bipolar might not be correct is because not a single medication i tried ever worked, except to make me tired or a little less depressed. if manic depression is a chemical imbalance, i should have been able to find a chemical that helped at least a little. i also noticed that my manic periods are usually not as intense as some other bipolar’s i know, but my depression certainly is as deep. i do have an intuitive knowing that if bipolar is not right, something close is, because i definitely experience bouts of mania and depression, that last for weeks or more each.

however, i do trust my therapist and am taking her opinion into full consideration. her opinion is that the best fit is simply PTSD. the process of diagnosis has been so frustrating for me! the first therapist i saw told me that i was schizophrenic, and during our first session together! my second told me i was one type of bipolar, the next, another type of bipolar. next it was borderline personality disorder, then back to bipolar again (third type!), and now PTSD. i understand that many of these diseases/conditions appear similar, but shouldn’t someone know?

am i supposed to know? because i feel like PTSD just isn’t strong enough, that it isn’t ‘messed up’ or ‘crazy’ enough. my mind seems to be breaking lately, i see things, have trouble interpreting facial expressions and emotions, and hear voices in my head, sometimes even refering to myself as ‘we.’ the voices seem to know things that i don’t, have access to memories that i don’t, have emotions that i can’t feel.

how can all this be explained by PTSD? it just feels wrong, and incomplete. i am extremely terrified of being either schizophrenic (because my biological mother is) or of having dissociative identity disorder (because i wonder if i could fix my mind/self in this lifetime?). my brain keeps looking at DID, is fascinated about it and maybe wants me to have it? i don’t know, but my thoughts will not let it go…

all this said about diagnosis, my therapist assured me that it doesn’t matter. not that it doesn’t matter what specifically is wrong with me, but that my diagnosis does not change the course of our therapy. this did make me feel better, although it was my assumption. she also asked me what having a diagnosis means to me? for me it is like a sense of community…knowing my disease. it gives me a structure or format, lets me know what medications and coping tools to try first, and allows me to empathize with others with the same plight. i guess i know need to get to know PTSD like i have bipolar over the last few years. ugh!

we next stepped deeper into talking about dissociation, and the dissociation ‘spectrum’. i had a lot of trouble here, because i really wanted to ask my therapist directly if i have/had DID, but was too terrified. i was able to express i was afraid of being diagnosed with schizophrenia or DID, as i noted above, which she said i do not. she said very directly “No.” but it just didn’t resonate, did not sink in, and i don’t believe her. i think she is lying to me because i could not handle the truth, because it would break my brain. i know it wouldn’t change the course of my life (or therapy) but it feels important…i could not express this to her though.

so instead we talked about the dissociation spectrum, which i had read this post the week before. my therapist agreed with the spectrum i believe, but i just printed it and will bring it in to my next session to actually show to her. i think i still need more clarification of what each step in the spectrum is and it’s related symptoms, and if my symptoms really do fit PTSD.

there are a few symptoms that i am the most concerned with. the first is the fact that i use dissociation so regularly, probably daily, and so well (deep). for example, i told her about what it takes for me to work. i have a lot of trouble getting myself to do my job on a daily basis, especially when i have to go to a clients office (usually in their home). i’m not exactly aware of how i get into the state, just that it takes me a lot of convincing to get myself to go to work, and once i do i feel like a shell of a person, like a robot. my brain tunes out, and i have been told my voice changes, my speaking mannerism, and my body language. i am aware of what goes on and know i am there when working, but feel like my brain gives ‘me’ a report at the end of the day, giving me a synopsis of events. it very odd and unsettling, akin to the feeling of a panic attack.

my therapist asked if this feels like highway hypnosis, but it is nothing alike. i have experienced that, but when that happens the time is totally gone and i cannot remember anything: what exits i passed, what scenery, how much time passed, what i might have said or listened to on the radio, etc. it also ‘feels’ different; it is not scary, seems normal, and does not make me feel abnormal in any way. dissociation does make me feel odd and ‘off’, and gives me an icky feeling in my stomach.

the second symptom that most concerns me is the voices in my head. as far as i know, people do have voices in their head, but they are all that persons voice, or close. i have actual separate voices in my head that seem to have distinct, although not whole, personalities. they also seem to hold memories, thoughts and feelings i do not have access to, like i mentioned earlier.

this really scares me and has recently gotten really bad (it was also bad when i was younger, and i called them ‘potato voices’ or the ‘potato people’ then). there are times the youngest (4-6 year old) voice taunts me with auditory things i do not like, such as the song “Toy Soldiers” being repeated over and over in my head. it is a nightmare! but however horrific it gets, i know that there is a reason these things are bubbling up. i trust my brain to not give me more than i can handle, or try to! i feel these tauntings are because i ignored my own feelings, thoughts and my soul for so long.

the 4-6 year old voice is the worst. my therapist asked me what i could do, like when getting ready to go to work, to make this voice happy. she doesn’t want anything though and cannot be bribed with gifts, treats or even sweets! i believe and feel she wants nothing more than to be heard, to be able to share her experiences, to simply be able to speak and be heard by ‘me.’

my therapist also asked me how this voice feels? this almost brought me to tears, because i cannot stand to feel it, cannot stand to listen to this little voice. i am so afraid of what she might say, of how she might feel, of how deep and dark she is for someone so young. she has experienced too much. i am afraid that if i listen i will temporarily be taken out of the ‘game’ of life, or might finally give in to the temptation of suicide. the feelings that reside in this little one are so dark, so black, and are at the center of the oozy, tar-like feeling in the pit of my stomach.

we next talked about a tarot card like project that i have mentioned in A previous session splash. this project involves making a card for each voice in my head, with pictures, symbols, etc. to represent each one. i like magazine collage, so that is what i stuck with. we spent the last part of the session going through my therapist’s box of loose magazine cutouts, collecting pictures for each individual voice. i brought these home with me to expand the piles with my own magazines, and have since finished one of the cards.

1. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 3**
3. Session Splash – June 6, 2009**
4. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
5. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 2*