My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (0/5)

During a session on August 08, 2007 I created this drawing in response to my therapist asking me to draw the anxiety process:

The Anxiety Process – can also be viewed in the In Session Gallery

Following is an outline of the six different parts of this drawing. These pieces are in order of how anxiety usually unravels for me:

1. Black-centered explosion – feelings in my stomach. The black oval is the black hole that leads to depression
2. Spiky tangled scarfs – tensed muscles
3. Mountain/shoulder symbol, lips and sweat – this symbol represents many things, in this instance my shoulders. It also represents mountains, i.e. Arizona to me. The mouth represents me chewing on my lower lip, which I do when I am anxious or concentrating
4. Yellow head with thought bubble – thoughts; usually about what ever is causing me anxiety. Sometimes, at other times, unconscious thoughts that either help to calm me or exasperate the situation
5. Tangled scarfs – untwisting muscles
6. Loose scarf – I told my therapist, “ I become like a scarf,” meaning that my muscles then relax, completing a return to my ‘normal’ state

I was not thinking much, as usual, when I did this drawing. I think this helps me to reach a sub-conscious part of my brain, which I guess is the point of art therapy, right? This process also demonstrates how an anxiety/panic attack develops for me as well.

1. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. Movie about Abuse – 8mm*
5. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

In the post “Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*” I mention two letters that I wanted to write to a former client. I wrote the first of these two in the post “Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 1**”. Please read those posts for background if you would like.

Anger Management by ~protogeny on deviantART

Since writing the angry letter in Part 1 I have almost completely forgotten about this client. I have not yet replaced the work I lost, but I am 75% of the way there, which helps me to let go. I also do not feel angry at him anymore, and have let go of all the negative emotions associated with the situation. For these reasons I did not feel it was necessary to write a second letter at all. And no surprise, but he never contacted me to come back to work at the end of last month.

The reason I say I have almost completely forgotten about him is because while I have let go of the negative feelings, I do not want to forget the lessons that I learned from this experience. I feel I learned, or starting working on ways:

• To trust my gut instinct when someone feels “off” to me
• To respect myself enough to set and honor my own boundaries
• To find ways to express my anger in an effort to let it go
• To healthfully express my anger to those I am angry with directly, but with respect
• I can not change, or help change, those who do not want to change themselves

I have used this experience to further my confrontation skills, such as with my roommates. It is still a nerve racking process for me, with many panic attacks along the journey, but I am getting there and not giving up.

1. Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 1**
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*
3. 10 Things I Like About Me – Project Positivity
4. My Monster Is Alive*
5. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****