My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

It has been over a month since I have written! I have gone through many big changes, and am adjusting to them accordingly. Mainly I believe I have accepted that many bad things happened to me when I was younger (more often from a first person perspective now, instead of “out-of-body” or watching it happen to someone else), and I am starting to confront the bigger feelings involved with that realization and acceptance.

I have not kept notes or recordings (therapist keeps forgetting!) of my sessions, so there will be a gap in the session splashes. One of the biggest areas that I have worked on in therapy is anger. I have “issues” when it comes to anger and will stop short of expressing it almost every time without fail. I have been working with my therapist with ways to express my anger while still feeling safe at the same time. She has suggested that we try being angry with pillows in an empty room, and I agreed. However, I have great reservations.

I have also been exploring the reasons I have such a strong aversion to food and have had no natural appetite for the last half decade. My therapist has suggested that I try eating with her in session, and we are going to start with sharing a cup of tea together. This whole things makes me extremely nervous, but I know I need to open myself up to my emotions and try new things in that pursuit.

There is one good thing that has come of all this though. While I have rediscovered that, yes, I DO have emotions, and some of them really DO suck! I have also rediscovered some of the good emotions, such as enjoyment of hobbies, and most important to me, of doing art. I have started to do art projects again, and have many different projects to share.

To do that, I have added a Gallery to the My Monster blog. In my excitement I put everything up, but I will be posting about the different galleries, albums, and some of the individual projects separately over the next few weeks, as well as posting more (especially in the “In Session” gallery). If you have artwork that you would like to share, please contact me.

Feels good to be back on the path!

Kaleidoscope Reverie by =alexiuss on deviantART

1. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 2*
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**
5. New Gallery & Art Therapy Pages

Trigger Scale: (2/5)

I recently purchased the book Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook by Glenn Schiraldi because of my last couple therapy sessions (read about 05/26/09 and 05/21/09 here). So far I have read the first five chapters and am finding it a very valuable resource.

Inspired by this book I created the following timeline of how my post traumatic stress disorder developed. At least to the best of my recollection. The sections, “Associated Features” “Costs” and “Stages” bullet points are all copyright of the book. I have added some of my own notes to these to further describe my personal experience. This timeline demonstrates how my PTSD has developed over my lifetime, illustrating the associated features, personal costs, and stages at various ages.

I am going to bring this to my next therapy session to discuss it with my therapist.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Timeline

Ages 2 to 7

Victimized severely and repeatedly, including emotional, physical, sexual, animal and ritualized abuse.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination (couldn’t save others)
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (anxiety and hostility)
• over-compensations (tried to be a perfect child in all situations)

Stage: pre-PTSD

Ages 8 to 11

Have one memory of severe combined sexual, physical, emotional abuse and one physical by father during this time period. I have a suspicion that other memories will surface.

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (weight)
• impulsive behaviors (angry outbursts – seemed out of my control)
• somatic complaints (sleep disturbances)
• over-compensations (tried to do very well in school)
• repetition compulsion (play)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• low self esteem
• guilt (unknown cause)
• dissociative disorder
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships (in & out)
• sexual acting out
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/intrusions

Ages 12 to 15

I have many holes in memory during this time period. It is disturbing to me that I remember time at school, with friends and at home when step-mom is home, but no other times at home. I cannot remember anything associated with my father during this period as well. I have a suspicion of being re-victimized. (I think so – it makes me think of choking).

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (weight)
• impulsive behaviors (destructive)
• somatic complaints (sleep and stomach problems)
• over-compensations (tried to do very well in school, many extracurricular activities)
• repetition compulsion – ?
• self mutilation – ?
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicide attempt
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (in & out)
• eating disorders (started unhealthy eating)
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry (asked to see therapist)/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 16 to 17

Started to act out severely to gain control and independence. Stopped listening to parents and got into trouble at school at times.

Associated Features:

• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety and hostility)
• addictions (sex, weight, alcohol)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints (continued)
• over-compensations (continued)
• repetition compulsion (through ‘romantic’ relationships)
• alexithymia (beginning/in & out)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (in & out)
• sexual acting out
• eating disorders (very unhealthy relationship with food/dieting/exercise)
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 18 to 21

More acting out, had an abortion (slightly forced – for another day and post), heavy drug use and lots of parties. I also overworked and was involved in numerous abusive relationships.

Associated Features:

• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (sex, weight, drugs, parties)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints
• over-compensations (over-working, over-schooling)
• repetition compulsion
• self mutilation
• alexithymia (continued)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• sexual dysfunction and sexual acting out
• eating disorders
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial/intrusions

Ages 22 to 25

Went through two back surgeries and many treatments, physical therapy and was prescribed piles of medications for: pain, anxiety, inflammation, stomach trouble, nausea, etc. Also had multiple bad therapists and tried many medications for mental issues that did not help (through Social Service care). Was on disability or unemployed, or trying to work but physically unable to.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (drugs)
• impulsive behaviors
• somatic complaints (off the charts)
• over-compensations (physical therapy at first)
• repetition compulsion
• self mutilation
• alexithymia (complete)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• re-victimization
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation (heavy)
• sexual dysfunction and sexual acting out
• unemployment
• eating disorders
• medical illness
• homelessness
• difficulty handling stress
• violence

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial (start of in & out)/intrusions/working through (beginning)

Ages 26 to 29

Finally have real therapy. I found two good therapists back to back that have helped me a lot. Dealt with the remnants of a failed relationship (on/off relationship) and I am learning how to build healthy relationships that respect my boundaries.

Associated Features:

• self-recrimination
• shattered assumptions (view of self, view of the world, view of people)
• mood disturbances (depression, anxiety, hostility, grief for losses)
• addictions (drug)
• impulsive behaviors (shopping, relationships – now out)
• somatic complaints
• over-compensations – ?
• self mutilation (picking)
• alexithymia (going out)
• changes in personality

Costs:

• suicidal thoughts and plans
• low self esteem
• guilt
• dissociative disorder
• cynicism
• family disruption
• impaired relationships
• social isolation
• sexual dysfunction or sexual acting out
• unemployment
• eating disorders
• loss of religious faith
• difficulty handling stress

Stage: outcry/avoidance and denial (still in & out – almost out)/intrusions/working through (middle)

Related Resources:

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook

1. Diagnosing DID/PTSD and Body Sensations*
2. Ritual Abuse Flashback 1*****
3. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
4. Face the Issue – Great videos*****
5. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****