My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

During a session on January 05, 2009 I created this drawing:

Unreality – can also be viewed in the In Session Gallery

This was a response to my therapist asking me to draw the “unreality” that I had been having trouble with at the time. I had explained to her that I sometimes did not feel alive, or real. I would say now that at these moments I feel like a marionette doll or like a Sim controlled by somebody else. This was especially happening while driving. All of a sudden I would get this feeling and then become very afraid that I was going to crash, so I would pull over to calm down, and the feeling would pass. Sometimes it would pass before I could pull over. But it happens others times to, such as when I am taking a shower.

For some reason, and especially when I am having trouble with memory flooding and flashbacks, it is triggered for me to take a shower (I know why, I just have not gotten to the abuse memories associated with it yet). It happens almost everyday now, for the last two weeks. I just feel like I am watching myself and there is a broken tape in my head repeating, “This is not happening, this did not/could not happen.” I eventually recover and ‘snap back’ to reality and move on with my day.

It is a feeling of being disconnected from myself, from my mind and body. ‘I feel’ is not really the right term either, more accurate would be that I DON’T feel at these times. I sometimes think that ‘I’ am dead or that I have died.

So that is the background behind the unreality I was trying to represent in the picture above. I felt like there was a spotlight on my brain that is run by my memories. I also mixed into the picture how I try to solve problems, or maybe the problem of the unreality, which is represented by the A, B, C purple path and the grey/brown square symbols. I explained to my therapist that the grey/brown squares were like binary computer information.

On the back of the drawing my therapist wrote the following notes:

1. The path – I noted some was connected and some not, she insisted that it was connected. There would be loops, but she didn’t want it to look that way.
2. She drew her own circle, even though I offered!
3. List of words:

• Hypnotize
• Path
• Brain
• Sun
• Archaic

The first note frustrates me because I tried to explain that the path only looked like it was not connected, but that was only because it went into the “hypnotize” area.

However, I still am not sure what this drawing says, expect that I feel it is related to dissociation. It did help to calm me down to create it at the time.

1. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
3. The Anxiety Process
4. I Have Been Abused – Please Believe Me!***
5. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Timeline**

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

It has been over a month since I have written! I have gone through many big changes, and am adjusting to them accordingly. Mainly I believe I have accepted that many bad things happened to me when I was younger (more often from a first person perspective now, instead of “out-of-body” or watching it happen to someone else), and I am starting to confront the bigger feelings involved with that realization and acceptance.

I have not kept notes or recordings (therapist keeps forgetting!) of my sessions, so there will be a gap in the session splashes. One of the biggest areas that I have worked on in therapy is anger. I have “issues” when it comes to anger and will stop short of expressing it almost every time without fail. I have been working with my therapist with ways to express my anger while still feeling safe at the same time. She has suggested that we try being angry with pillows in an empty room, and I agreed. However, I have great reservations.

I have also been exploring the reasons I have such a strong aversion to food and have had no natural appetite for the last half decade. My therapist has suggested that I try eating with her in session, and we are going to start with sharing a cup of tea together. This whole things makes me extremely nervous, but I know I need to open myself up to my emotions and try new things in that pursuit.

There is one good thing that has come of all this though. While I have rediscovered that, yes, I DO have emotions, and some of them really DO suck! I have also rediscovered some of the good emotions, such as enjoyment of hobbies, and most important to me, of doing art. I have started to do art projects again, and have many different projects to share.

To do that, I have added a Gallery to the My Monster blog. In my excitement I put everything up, but I will be posting about the different galleries, albums, and some of the individual projects separately over the next few weeks, as well as posting more (especially in the “In Session” gallery). If you have artwork that you would like to share, please contact me.

Feels good to be back on the path!

Kaleidoscope Reverie by =alexiuss on deviantART

1. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 2*
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**
5. New Gallery & Art Therapy Pages