My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (2/5)

Learn what a “session splash” is.

These are session notes from an older session on June 6th. It is incomplete, but I still wanted to document the therapy process.

Here are my notes:

• i forgot about tape recording the session, which i was excited about. i will try to remember next time. maybe there is a reason i keep forgetting?
• blog – my therapist decided she would not read my blog, and we would discuss only things i brought up myself in therapy sessions.
  • this is frustrating because it seems to me like we go back and forth at her whim. i feel it should be ‘our’ decision and a back and forth discussion.
  • i sense that there are some ethical questions about it that she is asking herself, or some other ‘block’
• discussed the show “In Treatment” – the show’s therapist tells a couple to have an abortion. i feel a therapist wouldn’t say this, even to make a point. making this type of specific suggestion could leave therapist’s at risk, making it ‘their’ fault if something goes wrong – so i don’t think good therapists do this
• abortion – the last topic lead to us discussing the topic of abortion. which i had discussed with the guy involved the day before. he said he could not be involved, and that it was my fault because i was the women and it is my body. he later relented to 51% my fault is what he meant
• therapy script for communication – i was too nervous to just read it, partially because it was incomplete
  • we did talk about the first bullet point group, PTSD
• she said her supervisor and her had talked about me. they were wondering how much time i spend on researching and stuff like I had brought her today (PTSD timeline).
  • i asked if she wanted me to count time writing for the blog, and she replied just research at first. i said about 30 minutes a day on average, because i go some weeks with none, and some days where i spend a few hours
  • but i spend a lot of time writing, maybe 1-3 hours a day, 5 days a week sometimes, which i did not tell her. because she asked me how much time i spend out of my head? this made me dissociate i think, because i started blathering. i felt trapped

Reaction to last session:

• felt like i have made a lot of progress internally, but have not done anything to change my actual life (what life?)
• like i have no friends
• i am afraid to get out of my head – where it is safe
• i am afraid of what I would do or have to handle if i try and explore

1. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 2*
3. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
4. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 3**
5. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****

Trigger Scale: (5/5!)

This story is a recent flashback that I have had. I warn you that it is graphic, and will be triggering for some. It is my memory of what I believe to be an example of child prostitution/pornography and ritualized sexual abuse…

I am looking at myself in a very dark room. I am standing in the middle with crocodile tears streaming down my face, scared to death. No, that is not a good enough description. I was fucking terrified, but confused and enraged all at the same time. I am holding up my little white shirt, and someone is burning my belly with an iron, the kind without holes, which are nicer. He is simultaneously masturbating with the other hand. I cannot look at him, so look to my side.

I am standing in front of him while he sits in a wooden chair. There are other men around me, lining three of the walls, all sitting in wooden chairs. They are masturbating and making weird sounds. The sounds are making me scared. I feel dizzy and the room is starting to spin. I look at the floor to the right, in the middle of the ring of men and the one in front of me until I can no longer see or feel, or remember.

I am shaking and have the beginnings of a migraine. I feel nothing, but dizzy and need to take a nap.

sexual abuse by ~FrauPlanlos on deviantART

1. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****
2. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
3. The Black Doctors Bag*****
4. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
5. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Timeline**