My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

I have had a reoccurring dream that started when I was 5. I think the dream finished it’s cycle a few months ago and that it is unlikely to show up again. I usually have the dream at least once a year, but each time it has a haunting familiarity like I have dreamed about it each night for centuries over many life times.

In the dream I am about 5 and in my step-father’s parents house. The house is a large one-story ranch style house with two main living areas (bedrooms and bathrooms) that are on either side of a central living room and kitchen. In this dream I am in the back part of the house, which I am afraid of. I consider it dark, but really it has just as many windows as the other set of bedrooms.

I am trying to come out of the back area and into the kitchen for dinner. I can hear everyone at the table, my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and step-father, all sitting just a few feet away from me, on the other side of the wall. I am on the ground, trying to crawl around the wall to the table, but I cannot move or make a sound.

I am stuck, belly to the floor, arms reaching out in front of me. I am trying to call out to them – trying to scream, to move, to do anything. My mouth is stuck wide open and I can see shear terror in my eyes. But I just cannot move. I am just stuck there, listening to them all eating and enjoying each other’s company while I am in agony, terrified and stuck in the back of the house.

I’m Not OK. by =MEGAN-Yrrbby on deviantART

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Now that I have started to recover my memories I can recall being abused in the back part of the house. On the more figurative side I interpret this dream to mean that I felt silenced and stuck in my circumstances. I felt like I had no voice and that I would never escape the oppression that was my everyday life.

However, I now know differently. I know that if I keep moving forward, I am not oppressed and that I will reach my goals.

1. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
2. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. The Black Doctors Bag*****
5. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****

Trigger Scale: (5/5!)

This story is a recent flashback that I have had. I warn you that it is graphic, and will be triggering for some. It is my memory of what I believe to be an example of child prostitution/pornography and ritualized sexual abuse…

I am looking at myself in a very dark room. I am standing in the middle with crocodile tears streaming down my face, scared to death. No, that is not a good enough description. I was fucking terrified, but confused and enraged all at the same time. I am holding up my little white shirt, and someone is burning my belly with an iron, the kind without holes, which are nicer. He is simultaneously masturbating with the other hand. I cannot look at him, so look to my side.

I am standing in front of him while he sits in a wooden chair. There are other men around me, lining three of the walls, all sitting in wooden chairs. They are masturbating and making weird sounds. The sounds are making me scared. I feel dizzy and the room is starting to spin. I look at the floor to the right, in the middle of the ring of men and the one in front of me until I can no longer see or feel, or remember.

I am shaking and have the beginnings of a migraine. I feel nothing, but dizzy and need to take a nap.

sexual abuse by ~FrauPlanlos on deviantART

1. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****
2. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
3. The Black Doctors Bag*****
4. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
5. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Timeline**