My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (2/5)

In my last “Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*” I mentioned two letters that I wanted to write to a former client. Please read that post for the background on the following letters. I even go into details of my complaints against him.

This post is hard to write because I tend to not want to express anger. I do not like anger. I am afraid of anger and try to avoid it at all costs. However, once I reach a certain point I switch, and am nothing BUT anger. That said, this topic is eating me alive so I am going to try a technique that has been suggested to me over and over, but that I have avoided using.

The technique involves writing a letter to express your feelings, which as I understand it you usually do not send, at least not right away. At a later date you may decide that you do want to send it to the intended person after all. However, that was not my intention in writing this first letter.

I am going to write two letters. For Part 1, letter one is just strictly for myself and for pure therapeutic benefits. It is to express how I feel, even if what I end up expressing is only true for that moment in time. I am hoping the first letter will release me from negative feelings about the situation and people involved. This site, “Whole Family” talks the benefits from using this type of technique. It also has samples and other resources:

• Sample of the type of letter you wouldn’t send (like mine in this post) and commentary from a psychotherapist
• Instructions for a “Ritual Burning” for your unsent letter

Being Wiccan I really like the “Ritual Burning” technique and will probably burn my hand written version in a similar fashion, but more like this.

So, without further ado, here is my typed version of my hand written note pre-burning, grammatically edited and with some last minute additions and notes to you, the readers. I have to warn you I have a dirty mouth when angry!

“06/15/2009
Started 1:13 a.m.

Hello Rob, (you are a DICK. Surprise to you, I know, but not to anyone else)

You disgust me. I think you always have. When I first met you I felt ‘weary’ of you. I should have taken that as a signal, and I WILL in the future. That feeling means that I am dealing with a jerk – like you!

At first things weren’t as bad, but always weird. I work in home offices very often and you are the least hospitable person I have ever met! No joke. And I have met your mother …what is your excuse? Do you know that your mother and nannie talk about you when you are not there? Do you know that you embarrass your own mother? That she is appalled by the way you act … ever your nannie is. I hate the way you treat people and so do they (your mother and nannie, and probably everyone else).

 You should be ashamed of yourself! All of my clients set up very nice areas for me to work in their homes. Every single one greets me when I get to their home offices and even ask if I would like a drink. They also make sure I am comfortable and that I have everything I need for that days work first thing. Every single client I have does ALL of these things almost everyDAY I work for them. You did NONE, FUCKING not ONE, of these things ever. Fucking EVER in the over 6 months that I worked for you.

At one of my clients I even use his refrigerator and have lunch with him (and his wife and kid – his daughter has even worked in my home office). What do you think of that? Oh right, you don’t mix with the help. Only yell at them. Bark orders and point out errors. You are a joke. And I am NOT the fucking hired help.

You know another thing that made your mother laugh at you? The laughable excuse of a working area that I worked at in your HUGE home office. She watched me pull out the little 2×2 wood plank from you desk and sit down to work in my wooden chair and actually LAUGHED at how insane you are. How could you expect me to work under those conditions for over 7 hours each week.

I am a bookkeeper you stupid, blind FUCK, and I need room to put paperwork. There was only room on that pull out for my laptop and mouse, not any paperwork. So I spread my paperwork out on the couch behind me (yes, a couch was in his office, but not a work area for his wife or bookkeeper) and the floor.

I constantly (weekly) told you I have a back problem and needed a more suitable work area and chair (I asked him for a $80 office chair and told him I would supply a fold-out table if he could store it). I told you I was in lasting pain and daily discomfort because of the chair I was sitting in and because I did not have room for paperwork so that I could work properly. I also told you I like having a full keyboard with a number pad as it greatly helps with my speed and accuracy, which was SO, SO, SO important to you.

And why didn’t you get me a chair? Was it because of money? NOPE. Because you didn’t know where you would store it (in your sparse, two-story 9 room, 5 bathroom mansion) when I wasn’t there. Like you pointed out “I obviously care how the place looks.” What a joke. How could you ignore a person’s pain in trade for vanity? You stupid fucking bastard. I pity your soul, your family and friends, and your pathetic shallow life. I also feel sorry for whatever it is you are compensating for.

There are healthier ways to deal. Believe me, I know.

I am not a commodity, and I do not appreciate being treated like one. You worked at your huge 6 by 5 foot desk  and leather office chair while you had me working on that stupid pull-out on your desk in a child’s wooden, curved-back chair. I also had to supply my own computer, which no other client has ever asked me to do in the past five years. How do you possibly justify all of this?

I know from paying your bills and how you scheme that you are a cheap bastard. NOT frugal, as you like to claim. But cheap and manipulative. Selfish. You even stiffed my best friend! You then turned around and paid Geek Squad for the same job ($244 instead of the $50 you DID NOT pay my friend) and guess what?! They came to the same conclusions and solutions. Unbelievable how you just like to PROVE what a douche you are.

My pointers to you:

In the end I forgive you, but I am glad you passively aggressively fired me because I will never have to see your stupid face again. I was only waiting to quit until I found another client anyway, which I was actively searching for.

I always get by…with a little help from my friends (sorry, true, but I AM listening to the Beatles).

-MM”

hate-love by ~hiriell on deviantART

Here is the scanned copy of the original Letter To Rob, if for some reason you are interested in exactly what I wrote. I decided to save it in case it ever reveals anything to me.

In Part 2 I will write a letter that I AM actually going to send to the client once I discuss it with my therapist. If I get a response from the letter before posting, I will include it as well. If not, I will include any response in a separate post.

1. Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 2*
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. Ritual Abuse Flashback 1*****
5. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

After my last session I spent about three days in shock (Read about it: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). I had the following sensations, which I wrote about on iSurvive, here. These are expanded in this post to include all I can recall:

• Increased pain in known injuries (back)
• Increased pain in jaw and constant clicking (I have Lockjaw/TMJ)
• Extremities going numb, especially my left hand for some reason
• I feel like I am in a very thick skin, and cannot feel anything properly, like my nerves have retreated and made everything dull
• Hazy vision, like a white blurriness (foggy feeling) OR
• Vision warping in the middle, making it impossible to read text. Looks like my world has been pinched in the middle OR
• Everything looks like it is vibrating against each other…like I can see the molecules that make up everything constantly fighting
• Slowed responses
• Out of touch with surroundings
• Feeling disoriented
• Derealization

NOTE: Now that I have read more about dissociation, I realize that the first list of ‘body sensations’ are also all dissociative symptoms as well. It was very loud in my head at that time, with my different ‘voices’ were most likely fighting for expression of feelings, thoughts and ideas. I had to lie down often and just listen to everybody, validating and understanding all positions, to get things to quiet down.

Other issues that have increased or started over the last week:

• Increased amount of time spent holding my body in uncomfortable positions. I have done this with my neck, shoulders and back for some time when agitated. I have now begun holding my arms, hands, legs or feet in uncomfortable or painful positions for long periods of time before I become aware of it
• Increased picking (read a great post about this on Blooming Lotus). Mine centers around picking any thing that makes skin un-smooth, especially in the middle of my back
• Increased limb tapping, twitching, jiggling. I especially wiggle my right foot, almost constantly right now
• Extreme fatigue all day
• Insomnia or sleep avoidance (drinking coffee right before bed, coming up with things to do, eating, not taking Tylenol PM, not lying down for bed, etc.)
• However, when I do finally sleep I am over-sleeping
• Increased problems with eating; not eating at all or binge eating
• Increased issues with body image; seeing a distorted self in mirror, uncomfortable in my own skin and/or in loose clothing (feels too tight)
• Increased depression and isolation
• Increased avoidance of feelings, not allowing flashbacks; flat emotions
• Increased drug use (which means days without use to make up for it, leading to increased agitation)
• Increased agitation and irritability leading to a couple temper outbursts
• Spending more time pacing, just petting cats or staring off into space or tuning out
• Not being involved in the present; missing parts of conversations
• Increased need for cleanliness and order
• Urges to spend money I do not have (purchased two healing books, but had many more urges)

I have somehow always known that DID fit me, but it still shocked my brain and brought a flood of feelings, brief flashbacks, emotions and thoughts. I think I knew that DID would eventually be used to describe me because I have had many issues with memory in my past. My therapist says she thinks maybe, but I know. We both agree that I have PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well.

It is weird to discover the DID diagnosis now, when I think I have somewhat integrated myself already. Even with this being the case, it is still very hard to accept, but comforting at the same time. Comforting because it makes so much of my experience, such as the way I think and feel, make sense and not feel so foreign. I am sure I will talk more about this in my future session splashes, but here is a partial list of why I have suspected DID:

• Lost time as a child/teen (read about one account here, last three paragraphs)
• People in junior high and high school:
  • Recounted events I had no memory of
  • Told me I said things I had no memory of
  • Acted as if they knew me, but I had no recollection of who they were
  • Acted knowing, or asked “Are you ‘My Name’?” and would look at each other knowingly, like they knew something I did not
• Can recall lost time after triggering events (such as receiving gifts, which is especially hard for me) which I have now verified by reading old journals
• My thoughts are split into separate voices. These have different thought patterns and often different conclusions, feelings and emotions. Some are more distinct than others:
  • Small voice is very hard to hear unless I try to listen – most distinct and most disturbing. I have a feeling my anger is associated with the personality part, and it may be one of my only FULL alters
  • Sometimes when I try to talk to the small voice I can get answers, but usually my questions are answered with questions. Recently this voice asked me “Why weren’t YOU there to protect me?” when asked what she wanted to say
  • Sometimes when trying to communicate with the small voice I get the following repeated image/video, which is more disturbing than it sounds:

At first I am just trying to talk to the small voice, then get an image of a very scary creature/voice in my brain. She looks like a combination witch/demon and moves in a very fast paced, blurry dis-fragmented way. She reminds me of a combination of the Queen in Snow White when she turns into the witch to give the apple to Snow White and the junk-collecting character in Labyrinth who can take the main character to a fake home.

So this character almost always interrupts when I try to get in touch with the little voice, asking me “You want her?” and promptly grasping the little voice by the arm and putting her on a huge wooden chair (out of proportion, Alice in Wonderland style). The witchy/demon character is running around and and screaming nonsense and suddenly the little me turns into a doll, but with real eyes. Her eyes look so sad and trapped, but she is terrified of the character and will not come out.

NOTE: Just writing this I am feeling VERY creep-ed out. My skin wants to crawl, I am getting easily startled, I’m suddenly afraid of what might be under the bed, and did not want to look at my notes about this dream (I had written it down in my journal before I fell asleep one day). I also get the feeling that I am not allowed to look at these thoughts or talk about them. I also got an immediate migraine.

• • Another more distinct voice, or I should say non-voice, is who I call ‘Stoic”. I think this may be a full alter or close. May have helped me to go through the worst of things, such as severe ritualized abuse or surgeries reminding her of that abuse
  • I could go on, but I will stop…

I hope that this post helps anyone who is struggling with questioning their sanity when it comes to handling the healing process, and being newly diagnosed with DID and/or PTSD. Even healing can be stressful, and cause PTSD/DID symptoms, if you are pre-disposed to it, as I am. It is not a matter of sanity, but a matter of symptoms. That’s just my opinion.

Even though what I went through this week was horrible, and it is still in process, I am left with a sense of hope. Hope that there is an explanation for why I am the way I am and because I know others who suffer with the same issues who have recovered. Not just recovered, but moved on to build a happy, healthy life. I know I will not give up until I get there, no matter what the process takes.

So I am always left with some form of hope…

Related Resources:

• Picture of wall supplied by Mind Parts
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook
• Safe Passage to Healing: A Guide for Survivors of Ritual Abuse

1. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
2. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Timeline**
3. Face the Issue – Great videos*****
4. Safety First Checklist Part 2*
5. I Have Been Abused – Please Believe Me!***