My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

I am currently getting ready to scan watch a movie called 8mm. I remember watching this when it first came out, and being really triggered, even though I did not know that word at the time or understand how I was feeling. I have recently started to recovery specific memories of my abuse, and feel that I may be getting some of them confused with scenes from this movie (or maybe I hope so?). Either way, I feel I need to separate my actual memories from images that I may have picked up from the media.

I talked about this with my therapist, and she agreed that if I felt I needed to, that I should watch it. We discussed how I could protect myself, such as watching with a friend, meeting with her the day afterwards, being able to call, writing afterwards, etc.

I have recalled a memory that seems to be at the center of many of my uncovered memories (just intuition talking). I feel like if I can accept this one, I will be able to finally step over the fence of denial, which I have been teetering on for months now. The scene/memory is so real that is almost feels unreal, or like it came from a movie. That is what made me think of this movie, and that the scene must have come from it. I feel I will not be able to deny my denial without proving the scene was not from this movie, as it is my last excuse. I also thought it might be from the movie Primal Fear, I am about to write this memory out, (Warning, links to a triggering story) before I watch the movie, to be un-biased in it’s content.

Since I am really about to watch the film, in about thirty minutes, I am having all sorts of reactions, like I am having a low level panic attack. I feel anxious, the muscles in my neck, shoulders and back have suddenly become tense and painful, and I find myself slightly short of breath. My vision is also hazy and white, letting me know that my brain is slightly overwhelmed. I am taking a moment to smoke (of course) before I watch.

I feel like I am getting ready for a boxing match, but here goes, I’m off to watch the movie. My best friend has split the movie’s ‘bad parts’ out for me, so this will be as quick as possible. What a good friend…

So there was only about ten minutes worth to watch, and after all the hype it was not that disturbing at all. The most disturbing part was writing out my memory before hand. The movie was sick, don’t get me wrong, but the visuals were not that disturbing to me, and nothing like my memory (and also no black doctor’s bag). However, I had thought of another scene that I feel confident is from a movie, and thought might have been from this movie, but obviously not. I do wonder if I could find what movie the scene I’m thinking of was from, since I am picturing two possible particular actors.

Well, no luck researching the actors I was thinking of. For one, they do not look like the face in my memory, nor have they acted in any movies with that kind of content. This must be another denial technique for yet another memory…oh well…I’m done for today.

1. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
3. I Have Been Abused – Please Believe Me!***
4. Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 2*
5. The Black Doctors Bag*****

Trigger Scale: (5/5!)

I am laying in a large bed waiting for something or someone, looking around the room. I am not afraid, but numb already. I am sitting on the right hand side of the bed, as far on the edge and back against the headboard as I can be. The headboard is wood, and twice as high as me sitting – some medium grain wood. I press my back against it, feeling how sturdy and cold it is. The room looks like it might be a hotel room, it is so generic. There is the bed, a side table, a dresser, but no windows. There is a door to the outside (I feel like it leads to a long hall, like in a hotel) and another door, maybe to a bathroom. The doors are right next to each other, on perpendicular walls. I am staring at the door to the outside.

A man comes in, tall, lean, slightly balding, but he is handsome. He is familiar, someone I know, who I should trust. A doctor. He is holding an old time doctors bag (just like in the picture, except this one is used and worn in, beaten up). He sits down on the edge of the bed by my feet and strokes my right thigh. He tells me that he is going to make me feel better and sets his bag down beside him and the bed, on the floor.

(I feel like I am going to have a heart attack right now, writing this, my heart is beating out of my chest and my black cat is freaking out. She is sensitive to my moods).

He leans down and opens the bag. I am sitting there, not moving, perfectly still, just watching him, but not really, more watching his movements. (I almost always remember my trauma memories from an “out-of-body” perspective). He takes a vial and a large needle out of the bag…I see him do something with the needle and the vial, but I look away, to the other wall, away from the door, searching for something to focus on…no more memory.

Reactions while writing: want to pee my pants, hands shaking, numb fingers, very white/hazy vision, slight shortness of breath to breathing very fast (almost hyper-ventilating), tightness in chest, vigorously shaking ankle/foot, leaving foot/ankle in uncomfortable positions for extended periods of time, profusely sweating arm-pits, b.o. (no matter how much deodorant I put on before, I know, weird…), sounds and music have became very loud, sounds outside (b-day party upstairs).

Trigger Scale: (5/5!)

1. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
2. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
3. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
4. Ritual Abuse Flashback 1*****
5. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****