My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

In the post “Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*” I mention two letters that I wanted to write to a former client. I wrote the first of these two in the post “Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 1**”. Please read those posts for background if you would like.

Anger Management by ~protogeny on deviantART

Since writing the angry letter in Part 1 I have almost completely forgotten about this client. I have not yet replaced the work I lost, but I am 75% of the way there, which helps me to let go. I also do not feel angry at him anymore, and have let go of all the negative emotions associated with the situation. For these reasons I did not feel it was necessary to write a second letter at all. And no surprise, but he never contacted me to come back to work at the end of last month.

The reason I say I have almost completely forgotten about him is because while I have let go of the negative feelings, I do not want to forget the lessons that I learned from this experience. I feel I learned, or starting working on ways:

• To trust my gut instinct when someone feels “off” to me
• To respect myself enough to set and honor my own boundaries
• To find ways to express my anger in an effort to let it go
• To healthfully express my anger to those I am angry with directly, but with respect
• I can not change, or help change, those who do not want to change themselves

I have used this experience to further my confrontation skills, such as with my roommates. It is still a nerve racking process for me, with many panic attacks along the journey, but I am getting there and not giving up.

1. Angry Fuck’in Therapeutic Letter to Former Client Part 1**
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*
3. 10 Things I Like About Me – Project Positivity
4. My Monster Is Alive*
5. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

It has been over a month since I have written! I have gone through many big changes, and am adjusting to them accordingly. Mainly I believe I have accepted that many bad things happened to me when I was younger (more often from a first person perspective now, instead of “out-of-body” or watching it happen to someone else), and I am starting to confront the bigger feelings involved with that realization and acceptance.

I have not kept notes or recordings (therapist keeps forgetting!) of my sessions, so there will be a gap in the session splashes. One of the biggest areas that I have worked on in therapy is anger. I have “issues” when it comes to anger and will stop short of expressing it almost every time without fail. I have been working with my therapist with ways to express my anger while still feeling safe at the same time. She has suggested that we try being angry with pillows in an empty room, and I agreed. However, I have great reservations.

I have also been exploring the reasons I have such a strong aversion to food and have had no natural appetite for the last half decade. My therapist has suggested that I try eating with her in session, and we are going to start with sharing a cup of tea together. This whole things makes me extremely nervous, but I know I need to open myself up to my emotions and try new things in that pursuit.

There is one good thing that has come of all this though. While I have rediscovered that, yes, I DO have emotions, and some of them really DO suck! I have also rediscovered some of the good emotions, such as enjoyment of hobbies, and most important to me, of doing art. I have started to do art projects again, and have many different projects to share.

To do that, I have added a Gallery to the My Monster blog. In my excitement I put everything up, but I will be posting about the different galleries, albums, and some of the individual projects separately over the next few weeks, as well as posting more (especially in the “In Session” gallery). If you have artwork that you would like to share, please contact me.

Feels good to be back on the path!

Kaleidoscope Reverie by =alexiuss on deviantART

1. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 2*
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**
5. New Gallery & Art Therapy Pages