Aug
17
2009
Trigger Scale: (0/5) 
During a session on August 08, 2007 I created this drawing in response to my therapist asking me to draw the anxiety process:
The Anxiety Process – can also be viewed in the In Session Gallery
Following is an outline of the six different parts of this drawing. These pieces are in order of how anxiety usually unravels for me:
- Black-centered explosion – feelings in my stomach. The black oval is the black hole that leads to depression
- Spiky tangled scarfs – tensed muscles
- Mountain/shoulder symbol, lips and sweat – this symbol represents many things, in this instance my shoulders. It also represents mountains, i.e. Arizona to me. The mouth represents me chewing on my lower lip, which I do when I am anxious or concentrating
- Yellow head with thought bubble – thoughts; usually about what ever is causing me anxiety. Sometimes, at other times, unconscious thoughts that either help to calm me or exasperate the situation
- Tangled scarfs – untwisting muscles
- Loose scarf – I told my therapist, “ I become like a scarf,” meaning that my muscles then relax, completing a return to my ‘normal’ state
I was not thinking much, as usual, when I did this drawing. I think this helps me to reach a sub-conscious part of my brain, which I guess is the point of art therapy, right? This process also demonstrates how an anxiety/panic attack develops for me as well.
Aug
13
2009
Trigger Scale: (2/5) 
Learn what a “session splash” is.
These are session notes from an older session on June 6th. It is incomplete, but I still wanted to document the therapy process.
Here are my notes:
- i forgot about tape recording the session, which i was excited about. i will try to remember next time. maybe there is a reason i keep forgetting?
- blog – my therapist decided she would not read my blog, and we would discuss only things i brought up myself in therapy sessions.
- this is frustrating because it seems to me like we go back and forth at her whim. i feel it should be ‘our’ decision and a back and forth discussion.
- i sense that there are some ethical questions about it that she is asking herself, or some other ‘block’
- discussed the show “In Treatment” – the show’s therapist tells a couple to have an abortion. i feel a therapist wouldn’t say this, even to make a point. making this type of specific suggestion could leave therapist’s at risk, making it ‘their’ fault if something goes wrong – so i don’t think good therapists do this
- abortion – the last topic lead to us discussing the topic of abortion. which i had discussed with the guy involved the day before. he said he could not be involved, and that it was my fault because i was the women and it is my body. he later relented to 51% my fault is what he meant
- therapy script for communication – i was too nervous to just read it, partially because it was incomplete
- we did talk about the first bullet point group, PTSD
- she said her supervisor and her had talked about me. they were wondering how much time i spend on researching and stuff like I had brought her today (PTSD timeline).
- i asked if she wanted me to count time writing for the blog, and she replied just research at first. i said about 30 minutes a day on average, because i go some weeks with none, and some days where i spend a few hours
- but i spend a lot of time writing, maybe 1-3 hours a day, 5 days a week sometimes, which i did not tell her. because she asked me how much time i spend out of my head? this made me dissociate i think, because i started blathering. i felt trapped
Reaction to last session:
- felt like i have made a lot of progress internally, but have not done anything to change my actual life (what life?)
- like i have no friends
- i am afraid to get out of my head – where it is safe
- i am afraid of what I would do or have to handle if i try and explore