My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

I mentioned in my last Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1* that I often bring notes of what I want to talk about to therapy. I also expressed having a hard time asking and saying what I really want to, as I am at a very vulnerable stage in my therapy. To help with this I am creating the following script, which I brought with me to my last session on June 6, 2009. I will post this session splash within the week so you know how it went.

This script was inspired by “mmaaggnnaa”, or Marie, who writes the blog “Coming Out of the Trees”. She wrote a series of posts about a script she read to her therapist, which starts here if you would like to read it. Here is mine:

Script for Therapy Session

• Brief Discussions: PTSD & In Treatment
• Script Introduction
• Questions About the Blog
• Questions About My Status & Therapy
• Questions About DID

communication. by ~liamu on deviantART

Brief Discussion

Things I would like to discuss briefly today:

• PTSD – purchased the book “The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook” and came up with a few questions. I also created a timeline of my PTSD progression.
• How trauma memories are different than normal memories (see Figure 2.1 from PTSD Sourcebook)
• How people with DID might be different at storing memories than just PTSD (see drawing)
• Why memories come into consciousness in parts
• Why did people like Stalin, Castro and Hussien choose their path and not me? What made this difference?
• Feel better that my actions can be described by PTSD, but isn’t this still an excuse?
• TV series “In Treatment” on HBO

Script Introduction

Read to my therapist:

This is going to be very hard for me to today. I am going to be more vulnerable than I am comfortable with. I may shake, I may cry, and I might have multiple panic attacks, which I would like you to ignore unless there is an emergency.

When thinking about this session I have had the following repeated thought or mantra from one of my voices: “I am not allowed to be weak. I am the mountain, that if moved will spew out Satan’s dominion and maybe even Satan himself.” I am trying to say there is a lot of fear associated with this content, I guess.

Here are my questions. You might not have answers to all of them, and I may even have the answers to some of them. I am also comfortable if you want to answer some next session so that you have time to think about the answers. Okay?

Questions About the Blog

Read to my therapist:

I feel like we have gone back and forth about the blog. At first you said you wanted to think about whether or not you would read it, but we never brought that up again. Next you told me that you had read parts and how we should use the blog in therapy only for assistance, that I would need to talk about what I wrote in session. I understood this and was not mad you had read the blog without us discussing it again, because I do want you to read it.

Next time when we discussed the blog you decided that you would not read the blog or bring up topics written there unless I brought them up in session myself. This back and forth is the first real time I have been frustrated with our sessions. However, I think it would help if right now we decide together how we will handle the blog going forward.

Questions:

• Are you going to read the blog?
• What parts of the blog can I expect you will have read?
• What parts are off limits to read, if any? What parts make me uncomfortable for you to read?
• Should we discuss issues on the blog that I did not bring up first?
• Are you comfortable with me posting the session splashes?
• Will you leave comments & register as a user?
• SIDE NOTE: Raising money through Blogging for a Cause for iSurvive

Questions About My Status & Therapy

Read to my therapist:

I wanted to let you know that I am aware I do not often look you in the eye when we are talking. I usually do like to look people in the eye when I talk to them, and consider it rude not to. I am not trying to be rude, but only do this because of how vulnerable I feel here. I hope you have not felt offended. I have been wanting to let you know that for a long time.

Okay, here are my questions about therapy:

Questions:

• Am I going too slow, or maybe too fast? Does the pace seem right for me?
• How could I do better? What am I doing well?
• Am I holding myself back in some way? Do I have habits that are making therapy slower? (such as over intellectualizing concepts)
• What do you feel we should focus on in sessions right now?
• I think you hold back too much on your assessment/comments and offer your opinion/critique more often. How do you feel about this?
• Do you sometimes wonder if my case is too serious for you to handle?
• Do you still think you can help me? I feel like I might be too messed up…

Questions About DID

Read to my therapist:

I trust you, but maybe other parts of me do not. This will be harder to discuss than specific abuse memories because I have spent a lot of time covering it up. This diagnosis was probably also the reason I have not wanted to work on a timeline in the past. I must have sub-consciously known that my missing time would become very apparent. I tried so hard to cover it up, I forgot that I had worked so hard to forget about it…

Answering some questions may help to ease me. Here are my questions:

Questions:

• I had a lot of issues since our last session associated with this topic. Here is a post I wrote on my blog about this. Do these symptoms concern you? What do you think about my DID suspicions written here?
• Do you have other patients with this diagnosis?
• Do you have hope that people with DID can be healed?
• Do you believe in false memories?
• Do you believe my memories are real?
• How can dissociation be different than repression if dissociation leads to repressed memories?
• Discuss best friend’s reaction and if I should discuss it with him at all going forward.
• Afraid of anger – shaky, white vision, uncontrollable urge to get MY point across and have it agreed with. Feels like it is not ‘mine’?

1. Session Splash – June 6, 2009**
2. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
3. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 3**
4. Safety First Checklist Part 2*
5. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 2*

Trigger Scale: (1/5)
Review Index:

• My Review
• Sensationalism
• Self-Help Perspective
• What I Learned
• Other’s Reviews

Illustration by Wes Duvall

(Photo: Claudette Barius/Courtesy of HBO)

As promised in my Session Splash May 26, 2009 Part 2*, here is my review of HBO series “In Treatment”, for the first season. I found the show very addictive and watched the whole season in just a couple of days! Please note that if you have not watched the series, there are some possible“spoilers” here.

I especially enjoyed and identified with the story line for the character “Sophie”. It was very interesting how her story unraveled itself and I feel that this does parallel many people’s truth when unveiling their abuse stories; at least from what I have read on the iSurvive forum over the past few months. Overall the show was very touching and was also just good drama, but may be a little slow for some people.

I want to make a very important point here. This show is definitely sensationalized. Spoiler alert – I don’t think it is very common for patients to try to commit suicide in their therapist’s offices, as Sophie did. Besides odd situations, I also felt the way the therapist spoke to his patients, and the types of suggestions he sometimes makes, were also slightly out of line and over emphasized to make good TV.

For example, I do not think a therapist (spoiler alert) would every say to a patient “I think you should have an abortion” even if it was just to make a point. It is just not professional for a therapist to offer direct suggestions or solutions to problems. This can lead to a lot of complications, such as the patient blaming the outcome on the therapist and the loss of learning to make decisions for yourself. I think a good therapist will lead you in the right direction, and correct your path, but never set it for you. You should always be in control.

That all being said, the last point I want to make about the sensationalism of the show is that therapists are not supposed to let so many of their personal issues interfere when treating their clients. Even when I discussed this show with my therapist, she agreed. She said that a good therapist will recognize when something comes up for them in session, and set it aside so that can deal with it personally later. This allows them to present for their clients, while still allowing room for their own feelings and issues as well.

After all, therapist are people to. I think it is commendable when a therapist is also in therapy. To me this means they do not think they are better than anyone else. And to be honest, who couldn’t be helped from a neutral third-party perspective, especially a professional one who is only looking out for your best interests? (If you have a good therapist!)

So as long as you understand that the show is sensationalized, because of course, they had to make good TV, I do find it a helpful perspective on what therapy can be about. From a self-help perspective it does give only a very limited perspective, but as long as you recognize all it’s limitations, it has a few useful perspectives of what therapy can be like.

The most relatable stories that I liked were of “Sophie” and the ‘Cell Phone” couple “Amy and Jake”. Watching all these different people go through their therapy did give me some perspective on my own therapy too.

I learned while watching everyone in this series that very few had pre-conceived notions of what they wanted to resolve in their session. I find I am very structured, probably because structure puts me at ease. But maybe I am structuring myself out of some real, deep healing? I cannot help but think that more spontaneity would lead to deeper healing, and more intuitive connections.

Also, I find that everyone on the show is more connected to their feelings than I currently am. I know this is due in part to my many years of practice with dissociation, so I forgive myself for it. I also know I have gotten a lot better, a lot more connected. But it is still frustrating none the less. I find that I try to intellectualize everything, to the point where there is no emotion left, no feelings to be felt. Of course, this is easier for me, but feelings/emotions CANNOT be intellectualized. I now recognize that at some point I am going to have to just let go and trust myself to go down the right emotional path.

Conventional Reviews:

• Learn more about the show on WikiPedia
• Funny one of Season 2 from NJ.com
• Entertainment Weekly gives a B+
• New York Times, Season 1
• New York Times, Season 2

Blog reviews:

• Review from a therapist’s point of view from Counseling: How it Can Be Helpful
• Has a review for each episode of Season 1 from “Jung at Heart”

I would love to hear what you liked and disliked about the show if you have seen it, and what you learned about yourself from watching. Please feel free to comment!

1. Session Splash – June 6, 2009**
2. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 2*
3. Safety First Checklist Part 2*
4. My Monster Is Alive*
5. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**