My Monster Has A Name

Trigger Scale: (1/5)

I have had a reoccurring dream that started when I was 5. I think the dream finished it’s cycle a few months ago and that it is unlikely to show up again. I usually have the dream at least once a year, but each time it has a haunting familiarity like I have dreamed about it each night for centuries over many life times.

In the dream I am about 5 and in my step-father’s parents house. The house is a large one-story ranch style house with two main living areas (bedrooms and bathrooms) that are on either side of a central living room and kitchen. In this dream I am in the back part of the house, which I am afraid of. I consider it dark, but really it has just as many windows as the other set of bedrooms.

I am trying to come out of the back area and into the kitchen for dinner. I can hear everyone at the table, my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and step-father, all sitting just a few feet away from me, on the other side of the wall. I am on the ground, trying to crawl around the wall to the table, but I cannot move or make a sound.

I am stuck, belly to the floor, arms reaching out in front of me. I am trying to call out to them – trying to scream, to move, to do anything. My mouth is stuck wide open and I can see shear terror in my eyes. But I just cannot move. I am just stuck there, listening to them all eating and enjoying each other’s company while I am in agony, terrified and stuck in the back of the house.

I’m Not OK. by =MEGAN-Yrrbby on deviantART

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Now that I have started to recover my memories I can recall being abused in the back part of the house. On the more figurative side I interpret this dream to mean that I felt silenced and stuck in my circumstances. I felt like I had no voice and that I would never escape the oppression that was my everyday life.

However, I now know differently. I know that if I keep moving forward, I am not oppressed and that I will reach my goals.

1. Lydia – Crazy Abusive Babysitter Part 1*****
2. Why I’m Afraid of Spiders – Arachnophobia Part 1***
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. The Black Doctors Bag*****
5. White Kittens – An Animal Abuse Story*****

Trigger Scale: (0/5)

During a session on August 08, 2007 I created this drawing in response to my therapist asking me to draw the anxiety process:

The Anxiety Process – can also be viewed in the In Session Gallery

Following is an outline of the six different parts of this drawing. These pieces are in order of how anxiety usually unravels for me:

1. Black-centered explosion – feelings in my stomach. The black oval is the black hole that leads to depression
2. Spiky tangled scarfs – tensed muscles
3. Mountain/shoulder symbol, lips and sweat – this symbol represents many things, in this instance my shoulders. It also represents mountains, i.e. Arizona to me. The mouth represents me chewing on my lower lip, which I do when I am anxious or concentrating
4. Yellow head with thought bubble – thoughts; usually about what ever is causing me anxiety. Sometimes, at other times, unconscious thoughts that either help to calm me or exasperate the situation
5. Tangled scarfs – untwisting muscles
6. Loose scarf – I told my therapist, “ I become like a scarf,” meaning that my muscles then relax, completing a return to my ‘normal’ state

I was not thinking much, as usual, when I did this drawing. I think this helps me to reach a sub-conscious part of my brain, which I guess is the point of art therapy, right? This process also demonstrates how an anxiety/panic attack develops for me as well.

1. Session Splash – May 5, 2009*****
2. Session Splash – May 21, 2009**
3. Session Splash – May 12, 2009*****
4. Movie about Abuse – 8mm*
5. Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*